Today was hard. Today is ten years since my beautiful Mom died. Ten years. That's a long time to not see your Mom. Over the last month I could feel the emotion building up and I knew today was going to be a hard day. Over the years I have gotten used to it, I can talk about my Mom, tell new people I meet about what happened to her and I'm ok. I am constantly telling myself that I should not feel sorry for myself, there are so many much worse things that happen to people everyday in the world... and I am so very blessed. I have so much joy in my life, I have so very much to be so grateful for, and I am. Very grateful for a beautiful life. But it doesn't mean it's not hard, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It
is hard, and it
does hurt. Today I needed to cry. The tears started flowing last night and continued for a good part of the day. I cried tears of sadness, hurt, loss, love and hope. I cried alone, I cried on the phone with my husband, I cried holding my baby boy in my arms, I cried on my front porch with my dearest friend, Kathryn. The day is not over and I'm sure I'm going to go cry some more.
I love my Mom, I think of her every day, I miss her dearly every day. I know she is happy, but I am sad for what I am missing out on. I'm missing out on an adult relationship with my Mom, I feel like I'm such a different person as an adult and I so wish I could be sharing my adult life with her. I'm missing out on a fun and loving Grandma for my kids. I often wonder how different our life would be if she was here. I can only imagine the fun she would have had with my kids. The fun we would've had together. I know she is aware of me and my children and what is happening in our lives, but that's it. I don't get to see her with my kids, I don't get to share motherhood with her, my grown up friends don't get to meet her. And I know they would
love her. I am sad for that. And so I cried and cried some more. Then I made cinnamon rolls.
My little helpers
Jensen's first cinnamon roll, he loved it! Well who wouldn't?!
They were pretty, and good, ya pretty good!
Thanks to my wonderful friends who remembered and who brightened my day, and to Ryan, the best husband ever, for being the best husband ever!
I'm a mess, my house is mess, but oh my, does my house smells good.
5 comments:
Josie,
I get it. Oh, I get it.
My real Mom died when I was 8 months old. I spent the first 13 years of my life wondering who she was and what may have been. The day she died, my Dad took me to live with her parents. My Grandma Klea became my Mom and when I was 13 I realized that she was my Mother in every way.
Klea and I were incredibly close and she died in 2008, 4 days before we left for TX.
I understand the devastation when one realizes that ones Mother doesn't know her as an adult. Oh, so much has changed since I could have a real conversation with Klea due to her Alzheimer's. I just want to call her and ask her how she handled certain parts of marriage, work and just life as a woman in general.
Just like you, I have days that I just long for her so desperately that it consumes me. The holidays are upon us and I'll be making her caramels and divinity just so I can smell her in any way possible. I miss the way she'd kiss me on the cheek. I miss the way her hands felt in mine and the way she would frost a cake.
I still wonder what my birth mother was like, but I miss my Klea the most.
I'm so sorry that Kathy has never been to your house. I'm sorry that you've never heard her say your kids names and I'm so sorry that she can't feel her arms around you in a big hug. Kathy is one of the most remarkable people that many of us have ever known. There is nothing more remarkable than someone not only being remembered but celebrated an entire decade after their passing. I love Kathy, Jo. She influenced the very woman I am today.
Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman, is an excellent book if you ever get the chance.
With Love,
Bekah~
Hugs Josie!
Love ya Jose! That is a big milestone. She had to have been an amazing woman. And your cinnamon rolls look divine!
Love you Jos!
Love you Josi!
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